Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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