You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
