Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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