Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
