You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
