You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
