he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well I just put wine in my tea
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
