My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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