my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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