: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
