My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You're breaking my sexual little heart
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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