Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
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Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
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Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Such a big mess for such a small penis