She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
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Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
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You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later