I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize