I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
