So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
