the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
