I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
