in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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