i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
