i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
