My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
