need another drink. this is the easiest way
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
