If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
