New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
