he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
did i walk over a car last night?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
