i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
