No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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