I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
