Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
