she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
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next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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