Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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