if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
