totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
