Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
