I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
