Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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