your parents love me but you hate me
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
