Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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