I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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