In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
