There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
