put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm like, not good at living.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
