I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
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They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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