Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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