hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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