Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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