You made me cry and you don't even care
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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