U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
There's even glitter on my cock...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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