that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
