Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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