Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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