dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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