I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
