There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
