How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
