in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
