Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
